One step forward

Since my last blog the desk i wanted from Ikea had come in so after work i swng by my folks and picked up my mum... then off to Croyden. I grabered the micki and some more red boxes and got out of there before i spent more money,

I slept early last night after getting me desk all set up and looking nice, I did a little tidy and fussed the cats. Watched a few videos on youtube and was in bed by 21.00.

I tried not to think to much about things and I think it did help, Spending some time with my mum and doing a bit more driving then normal helped i think. I went over the notes given to me by judy as my driving test is on monday so im trying to stay calm till then.

After that next week i will have to start making moves to get back out there, to see lots of friends and drive around alot, it should bring back a bit of a smile and im sure that its going to be hard on the walit but it is something i need to do

Morning anxiety

Another morning of feeling anxiety, Yesterday after all of the stress and worries about V I started to feel better after a short chat with her and alot of chatting with MJ and AC.

I start to feel like I have been a good friend and helped someone in trouble, someone that needed it but its not my job and I dont need to. I started to feel better about the whole situation, I got home and did some editing and I got the sample images out for Diana (Shoot i did on sat).

I put on the PS4 for a sesson and just was not feeling it so I turned it off and started reading a book but ended up only ready a chapter and wated a doc on meth... and the dangers of it, about how it is made and what it does to the brain, also what it does to your choses and sex drive... and of course that turned my head onto someone :(

This morning to I had alot of trouble, I felt like i did something wrong and i have pushed V into doing things, something she said about MJ,  i think the words were "You and her seem to be having fun but be carful" I am not sure what she thinks is happening between us. We are being suport for each other as we are both going through some really stressfull and hurtful times but i think she thinks we are going to have some kinda relationship but there is no danger of that between us, to smart and open for such a thing.

I just looked at my phone and found a message from her and she said, "your a beautiful person xx"
What could this mean (my brain thinking)...

I have such a 50/50 spilt... part of me wants nothing more than her back but there is another side thart tells me that we are not good for each other... I think that I feel like the love is one sided and she doesnt want to let go and fall for me like i did for her.

Another day and another anxiety session

Happy fucking Valentines

Last night I had a very nice long chat with Y, It was a very sweet chat and nothing bad at all came up, i felt it was a nice end to the day of valentines but just as I was going to be i got a Skype call from Oz... when it connects I see a face of someone I know yet not know, tears streaming down her face, makeup all smushed...

She was in trouble but other than a vage sex refence I did not know what... She preseeds to tell me that She had done crystal meft, been up for like 4 days and after a little working around I find out what had happened... I just tried to console her and make her feel a little normal, She was in a right state and only had wifi in the comom areas of the hostel she was staying in.

Then her phone died and I was left wondering all kinds of things... Images running through my head of what happened.might have happened... it got to the point when i throw up and just felt sick to my stumic - I couldn't sleep after that so I have to have a Valium myself to help.

This morning i did managed to get back in touch and find out she is ok (or at least i hope she is telling my true)

Part of me is so worried about her as i still do really care for her but she has hardly been in contact since she left... but I guess i should feel good that she did think of me and of all the people she could call it was my face she wanted to see - That being said is this the only time she will think of me? Will I be that person who only see's when is needed?

I need to move on with my life but there is still some things pulling me back, I wish thinks could be different but i wonder if she is going through the same as i did in my 29th year? should i be a friendly hand to help, should i be a lover in the wings that hopes things might return or should I just cut all ties and move on with my life without her.,,

fuck this shit

What happening to me...

My life should have been getting better not worse?

I moved back to my own place, I got my cats back and my independence... So why do i still feel down, I have done the math and im super skint, with setting up a new home and trying to do somethings i have ended up wrose off than i was before, I hoped to get a nice fat TAX money but turns out thats not going to happen, I have money coming in but its not coming in and its starting to get really fucking hard.

On top od that reminders are coming through from NZ and images of V are making me think things - silly things but i do miss her alot and even tho i know were not getting back together I just have a feeliong that she is going to always be that one that got away :(

Im not liking feeling like this but i do have something to look for ward to in week 8

Monday depression

After a very busy weekend of moving and DIY I find myself back at work, Hunting down dresses that seemed to have walked away and been replaced with dresses ive never seen, with number and not names, its made me feel very confused and then I had a through about V, A nice one that soon turned into something not so nice. A feeling of cute, horny sexyness that then swaped out for someone else in my place.

This is just crazy and i dont understand where my heads out, part of me still hopes that she will come back and want me back but then i know this is not going to happen, She most likely is not even thinking of me and after the kiwiburn its most likely that she has already found someone and is going to be travelling with them right now.


Fuck i feel depressed today... I just want this feeling to be over and have myself all sorted already - Moving home was just the start of it, getting myself in and sorted, do some shopping for the house and having some fun will make me feel better but my mind still drifts off to the past and this girl that I loved and in some ways still do

Tuesday - 6 days till the move

Its now only 6 days till the moving starts,

I woke up today feeling very ruff, my anxiety is getting to the point of sillyness - I dont know why on earth I am feeling this way...

Last night a Friday and i was chatting and she told my about her psychic course. They spoke of me and she had some advice to tell me... and it was the fight between Kris and Skins (the 2 sides of my personalty).

One is going to override the other but I need to find a middle grown between them but in sub text is seemed more like it was I need to give up on one of them. She also told me that while one side wants and even needs love, gives love and takes other peoples problums on, the other doesnt want it and in fact pushes it away. Yea I have some abandonment issues in my life - You would if you had the childhood i did.

The last thing she told me was that i collect people, people i love and that love me but i need to stop this, i need to give up on them and move from it. Meaning my past and my Ex.

Its going to take a while for me to process all this information but I will try

Tricky Nicky

Well looking through mine Spoitfy playlists I saw that V had made a new list so of course as I do love the music she has showen me so anyways, I was lisseing to it and came across a track that in a way (Mostly from tone then the words) but it kinda hit me like a house of bricks. 

Maybe its my mind or my worries but it really seemed to fit on some points

Not so modane Monday

Welcome Monday - Nice to see you again!

So A weekend of interestingness

So I failed my driving test on Friday and then worked my butt off so by the time i got back to my folks I was really in a shitty mood - so I packed up some thing and started the move to Streaham.

I am moving back into Vs place while she is away as i wait for my flat to become open again (should be happening this Sunday). I planed to have a weekend of Drinking, gaming and wanking (A cheap weekend to myself). Well I got 2 outa 3 so thats not so bad but i did drink a bottle of Salor Jerry to myself and felt very worse for wear on Saturday morning. Saturday MJ dragged me out for a little shopping and a drink - I took her to the Phoenix bar where a live Jazz pianist rocked the place. We got taking to him afterwards and had a drink together. A nice guy named Joe!

Then we headed off to her place and some food, before i knew it the alurms were going off and I was woken up as she had to head off to an early meeting so I truged my way back down south once again feeling ruff but in a better mood then the day before.

As sunday was a very early start I ended up watching some movies, playing some games and crashed out around 16.00 only to sleep way to much and into the night... So when it came time to sleep my body did not want to so i had to take a little pill to drop me off to the land of nod.

Work was here and i was on time this morning so that worked out well, even tho i had some really intents dreams containing sex and people i really dont wanna think about let alone have sex with.

Oh well its about to hit home time and I am just updating you fine people I dont even know so lets see where tonight ends up

Day Zero

So since my last blog I have moved back to Vs, Thisis just a tep move to get myself out of my folks and to get all my things together in one place before the final move back to my flat in Brixton.

I am feeling a very wide mix of emosions right now, from gutted to worried to a little hopeful - I dont know what to do with my mind right now but im trying to take it one step at a time.

Tonight I am seeing Nahko and i must say that im looking forward to it alot, A nice drive down to Brighton and seeing a cool band might help me a lot and get my mind off the one that got away.

V left me and chose to end it, I wonder if she is going to think of me as she is away, Will she think on the last year and think good things or only ever look back on it with disapointment? I dont think i will ever really know.

I know she has left me with alot to think about both of myself and of the next person i let into my heart - I worry that she will be the last one that i truly let in as this has hurt me more than i can say and sadly i dont think i could do it again.

With my heart broken and then with the short part that i through we might get back together to only feel it brake again is really hard to even think it could be whole again.

V is gone :(

And like that... Shes gone.

This rings a bell - :S

Today V flies off to the other side of the world - and im feeling just deflated.

Around new years she told me that there could have been a chance of us getting back together, maybe not told me but sure as hell hinted.

I have had a whil wind of emosions about this, from OMG we will be together again to is this something i would want and even to the point of not wanting it back. Our issues were a mixed bag from a luck of comuition to full out fights about nothing.

She would blame and i would blame and it would just get wrose, I know I am a hard person to deal with at times but i did think we had more than this and this is something i still belive in my heart.
But after a convo the other day I came to know that this was just another bump on the road of love for me.

Between V and Y im not sure if i can or want to fall in love again, A few nights ago i was tossing and turning in bed, I could not reach out or control myself to the point of thinking about cutting myself again. I just had so much pain and hurt inside and my mind was making the wrose images in my head of V and some guy in Luton.

I went to see Y lately, I wanted to see her and explan as best i could about our brake up and show her that i am no longer the person that did all them horrible things to her... my mid life head fuck!

Now i feel as if this is my punisment from this crime - Am i going to make it through all of this?


The best i can do is get on with my life, push myself to meet all the things i want. Tomorrow i am seeing an amazing Artist "Nahko"

On friday I take my driving test and next week I start to get myself ready to move into my old flat again... am i oving backwards or am i just re centering myself? I guess we will have to wait and see what happens?

I dont think this will be anything of anyone else to see but i feel like i need to get it out there

S xx