This rings a bell - :S
Today V flies off to the other side of the world - and im feeling just deflated.
Around new years she told me that there could have been a chance of us getting back together, maybe not told me but sure as hell hinted.
I have had a whil wind of emosions about this, from OMG we will be together again to is this something i would want and even to the point of not wanting it back. Our issues were a mixed bag from a luck of comuition to full out fights about nothing.
She would blame and i would blame and it would just get wrose, I know I am a hard person to deal with at times but i did think we had more than this and this is something i still belive in my heart.
But after a convo the other day I came to know that this was just another bump on the road of love for me.
Between V and Y im not sure if i can or want to fall in love again, A few nights ago i was tossing and turning in bed, I could not reach out or control myself to the point of thinking about cutting myself again. I just had so much pain and hurt inside and my mind was making the wrose images in my head of V and some guy in Luton.
I went to see Y lately, I wanted to see her and explan as best i could about our brake up and show her that i am no longer the person that did all them horrible things to her... my mid life head fuck!
Now i feel as if this is my punisment from this crime - Am i going to make it through all of this?
The best i can do is get on with my life, push myself to meet all the things i want. Tomorrow i am seeing an amazing Artist "Nahko"
On friday I take my driving test and next week I start to get myself ready to move into my old flat again... am i oving backwards or am i just re centering myself? I guess we will have to wait and see what happens?
I dont think this will be anything of anyone else to see but i feel like i need to get it out there
S xx
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